Feelings

I am still recommitted to blogging and writing more often. Things have just been busy. School and fall activities are in full swing now, which keeps the kids and I very busy. There are days I just want it to be summer and carefree, and we can do whatever we want. Stay up as late as we want, not have to worry about school, soccer, dance, and everything else that is filling up our time right now. Everyday I wish Kyle and I were at least together, I would even take the same state at least for now. ha.

Most of this post is about my feelings and thoughts I have had these last few weeks. Just for my journal and to remember it all.

Things have been really hard to go through without Kyle here by my side.  I know I am blessed to staying at my parent's house for the time being and that Kyle and I prayed about it and we know that me and the kids staying in Utah is the best for us right now, but I really didn't know it would be this hard to not have him here by me, to be my support and the one person I need daily to tell me I am doing a good job, or that the kids will be just fine, or don't worry they are just kids, or all the other phrases that he has told me these last few weeks...over the phone!

Our biggest concern during this whole transition phase of our life has been Jantsen.  With moving from Omaha, staying in Utah, moving to Kansas City, starting a new school, making friends, starting soccer, being one of the youngest. All I can say is the last week of August and the first week of September was probably the hardest week...Ever!

I had to watch Jantsen each day, eager as ever to go to school and make new friends, and each day, after school, climb into our car and tell me he sat by himself at lunch, or he doesn't know anyone, or he played by himself at recess. All which was totally fine for him. He said it smiling and saying "It's okay mom", or "Thanks for the lunch mom"...totally innocent and really okay with not knowing everyone, even though there was a hint of sadness in his eyes that he was the new kid. I was so sad to think of him at school all alone. Especially when we just moved from a place where he had a whole handful of friends, everyone wanted to play with him. I wanted to take him to school each day, walk with him to class, make him talk to other kids, make other kids like him and want to play with him, walk with him to lunch, set up games for the kids to play at recess. I wanted to keep him under my care. But of course I knew that was totally ridiculous. I just wanted the best for him.

That same week he started soccer with a local Academy here. He barely made the cut off date by 6 days and so he for sure was one of, if not, the youngest  kids out there. He was playing with and against boys that we all 7 and 8 years old. And he had just barely turned 6. He for sure wasn't one of the best and was one of the smaller kids. (and with having my brothers and dad and mom come and watch his practices and games, especially since we are a big soccer family here in Utah, and him not be the very best or the fastest, I was just really protective, defensive and over-sensitive to every little comment.)

I had to watch older kids bully him a little bit, kick his ball away, tease him. Of course Boys will be Boys, but whatever. I wanted to run out there and smack the kids.  But to see that happen to your kid, and have him run over to you asking why they are being mean to him and all I could tell him was that because you are younger and they are older and they are just picking on you.  He didn't understand why someone would treat someone else like that.

I would call Kyle and talk to my mom each day and night, crying because I didn't know if us being here was a good idea. That I would have to watch this all over again when we moved out to KC. It tore into me so much and affected me so much to see Jantsen that "alone". I knew that it would get better, I knew that it just takes time in a new place. I knew all that and I believed it too...but it still didn't make it any easier to be experiencing it. I wanted it to just all go away.

Things have gotten better this last week. Jantsen has made some friends. He is in with the Poly's (Pita and Halla) and has made some other friends too. He is a smart kid and a good, fun kid too. He is loving school. He still hates to get up so early but he is excited to go. He loves having my mom at the same school. And his last class of the day is in the room next to my mom's classroom so he gets to go in there everyday and walk out with my mom to the car. He is doing much better at soccer. Still a little tentative with the older kids, but this year will only make him better in the years to come.

I feel very blessed and grateful, but often times totally inadequate and undeserving to be a mom of these 3 beautiful children. I am trying not to get caught up in worldly life and the routine of things, and to take time to be more patient with them, play with them, instill in them the unconditional love that I have for them, and I want them to realize that I am their biggest fan and best friend! I want them all to be able to argue that "Mom loves me the most. I am Mom's favorite!"

I was going to take the whole memorial day weekend and relax and hang out. But we took a trip to Las Vegas for my cousin's wedding. Only a few things to say about it. Love the Vegas Temple. Loved the sealing session, Hate the Vegas Strip. I am never, ever, going on the Strip again. So corrupt and awful. But we spent some time swimming, hanging out with relatives, shopping, and going to the Hoover Dam. It was a fun weekend. Not relaxing as I first intended, but I am glad we went. I needed that peaceful time in the temple just to myself. I was wishing so badly that I could hold Kyle's hand while in the temple, listening to the sweet council given to the new couple, but it was great reminder and uplifting message for me!

I am missing Kyle more and more everyday. But I am so grateful for his hard work. I can't wait for October. We haven't seen him since August 13th so we are beyond ready and excited to see him. But we still have a month to go. I am hoping it goes quick.  love you babe!